birthdays and new beginnings

The air is damp and heavy this morning as the gardens and I wait for a rain that feels just around the corner. Every bush and browning blade of grass is crispy, and the impatiens planted two weeks ago produce new leaves but no colorful flowers. June is like this. The cycle of weather begins to shift from the rains and gentle sun of spring to the more intense heat that draws the moisture from the land and makes me a little cranky.

Each year June brings my life into focus. My birthday arrives in the middle of the month, and for as long as I can recall, I have assessed how my life is going, choices I have or am making, relationships, and the general state of myself in the week before my birthday. I really love birthdays. I enjoy celebrating others', and I like my own.

It has been a different kind of year. I have been mostly healthy, better than the previous year but that is another story, and have traveled a bit to see friends and family and to attend retreats I love. I have worked around our home, written, taught a class at church, served on a couple of committees and boards, and taken it easy.

Part of me feels guilty about having so much that is good and supportive in my life this year . . . and not much stress. My husband works really hard as a high school English teacher. He has a lot of demands on him. I have few on me. I cook and clean and keep our laundry moving through the wash-dry-iron cycle. I try to be cheerful and helpful. But after 40 plus years of working and being available to others' needs, it is a big change to have time of my own and fewer demands.

So once again, I check in with myself. What is working in my life? How do I feel about how I have been spending my time? What do I want to change? What are my dreams for the year ahead? And how do I want to spend my birthday? Usually I like to do the simple things: eat breakfast out back on my patio, take a walk,lunch with friends, go for a swim, have dinner with family. I like to read a novel and call my parents to thank them for the gift of my life. Getting cards and small gifts is nice, too. I appreciate others taking time to think about me once a year. Mostly I want to be with those I love, those who make me better than I am, those who see the possibilites for my next year more clearly than I do.